To all the people struggling through something which is eating them up from inside. Let me remind you that you’re not alone. We are together in this. We have been through worse. We have been to hell and back. We are the survivors. I’m proud of your spirit. I feel you. Never, ever give up on life. On you. You’re much more than you think you are. You deserve better. Find that one reason which will help you to overcome your biggest fears and fill that void in you. I love you.
I was born in an abusive environment. I never had a happy childhood. Witnessing violence at home was a daily ritual for me. I was born and brought up in a dysfunctional family. Which resulted in me having an anxiety disorder and PTSD, and other major physical illnesses. I never spoke about it to anyone until last year when I met people like me. Who have felt unsafe at the safest place in the universe, their home. I liked the fact that there are people like me. They really can feel my pain and suffering. I don’t have to hide anything, anymore. They inspired me to flaunt my scars like I own it.
Despite everything the only person who always stood by my side was my mother. She was my eternal love. She was always there even when everyone left. I used to be a total mess back in my teens. Even I don’t like that old version of me. But yes, those days made me who I am today. My mother was my rock. My person. She passed away this year. I remember how my friends were constantly texting and calling me, and I was mumbling only one thing under my breath that I don’t want to live. I seriously did not want to live. She was my everything, afterall. I never learnt to go on with life after losing my world. I never felt so vulnerable and unprotected ever in my entire life until then. I didn’t go to college for a month. I didn’t want to face people. The world outside my room looked scary.
Somehow, I gathered strength and got out of depression. When I first went to college my teachers and friends told me that how strong and brave I am. Yes, the very first time in my life I was proud of myself. I was proud of the fact that I’m still breathing inspite of having several suicidal thoughts crossing my mind every night. I’m proud of the fact that I did not give up.
The reason why I’m so much into arts is my past. The only escape I ever had from all the shit happening in my life was through arts. I started wrting poetry from a very young age. I started taking part in dramas and elocution. I’m performing on stage since I was 5. Arts makes me so happy. It’s my haven on earth.