The clock on my wall makes a tick-tock, tick-tock noise. I can’t sleep, anymore.
My head is pounding in pain. I took a shower at 2 in the night. I clutched my fist hard and dig my nails into my palm. Nothing happens, you see. Where did my sleep go? I asked myself. Did it go to depression or anxiety? Did it go to the other person who sleeps on the bed next to mine? Because I see her sleeping peacefully. Will it come back to me?
It gets blue once in a while. The weather outside is also gloomy. It rained here all day. I like monsoon season, but I don’t like going out in rain. My anemic body reacts very badly to it. I watched drops falling on the ground from my windowsill. It looks pretty. Sometimes, it makes the storm inside me to calm down as I assume that even the universe at times needs to let its guard down and pour its sadness out.
My brain is exhausted. It hears the noises which are not even audible to my ears. It sees the things which are not visible to my eyes. It takes a toll on me. I sit there wondering why things are the way they are? Why can’t I fix the things which are not under my control? They are out of my control for a reason, I suppose. I want to cry. Not like normal crying. But the one which stays upto hours and put you to sleep, finally.
I don’t talk about it with anyone. How many times should I repeat the same shit again and again?! People will get annoyed by me. It’s not their fault. They are not oblige to walk into my shoes and feel the same way I do. I stay quiet. I try to deal with it alone. The monster can’t hurt me, anymore. I’m already numb to heart aches. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep… the whole day