This piece is for those who think they are alone. I want to tell them we are together. I see you.
One day, I was sitting with my friends, talking crap, laughing the guts out and having a good time. Suddenly, I stopped laughing. I felt the knot in my stomach. My heartbeat sped up. My vision was blurred. I was like that till I reached home. I ran straight to the washroom and threw up. The same night, I was bawling my eyes out with a razor drawing geometry design on my forearm. It was depression. My old friend. Who comes back at the right time when I think it’s gone. Well, f**k you, b**ch!
Yay, I’m performing. I love being on stage so much!
‘No, you don’t.’
Yes, I do!
‘I said, you don’t. ‘
I succumb to my anxiety. It has the ability to bring me down when I’m at the peak. I spent the whole night crying, convincing myself that I’m not good enough. That I don’t deserve the adulation I receive. That I’m not worthy of love. And everyone secretly hates me.
I was happy until I saw siblings having fun across the street. It reminded me of my estranged relationship with my brother. I went back to relive every single bad memory of ours. I kept torturing myself with flashbacks until another past incident also made its way into my head.
I don’t want to go home because the walls in my house scream my mother’s death into my ears. I’m haunted by them.
Every time a guy tells me that he likes me. My mind wanders off back to the time when I was eight and how a man, twice of my age groped me like I was his prey. PTSD does that to you.
So many people around still I feel trapped. I know the way out, but I can’t move an inch. My body feels numb to bones and I’m stuck with giving up or pushing forward.
This is my hell on earth.